I messed up in 2011

I've been knowing it and denying it but now I know how. Once upon a time I was angry at somebody I love and I misplaced it on everyone I didn't. I've been too busy ignoring my feelings and wanting to be right to acknowledge it, but I am now.

This year I'm going to make it right. I have a lot of things in mind for 2012, and the first thing Im gonna do is make it right. I'm gonna write faithfully, meditate routinely, and make music frequently.

I'm going to cleanse my body once a month. Start running and doing yoga. I'm going to get a MFLB so as to go easy on my mistreated lungs.

I'm going to go to Europe. I'm gonna figure out what I have to offer the real world with my career and sharpen those things. I'm gonna be all I can be, but not obsess over it. I'm going to be happy with the things that I have.

And to make things right -- I'm going to let myself be angry, forgive the one I love and treat those who I mistreated with the respect they deserve.

Prosit

This is a count your blessings post

I had the most amazing weekend ever.

I got to b in Kimberlys presence when she sipped her first legal drink. Go to an awesome party at caseys with tons of great people I never met before. Ate a yummy brunch at Cherrywood. Spend sweet time with sweet Jackson. Shopped with my roomies. Hosted a bitchin party. Slept late. Floated the river. Taqueria. Relaxed. Breathed. And didn't feel guilty.

I went to the doctor. And I don't have scabies. Just dyshydrotic eczema and steroid cream.

Busy mind

Today is the very last day of a week long detox diet. It was hard. I miss cheese. And I'm goin to eat some today ... But I did it! I stuck it out! And I'm extremely proud of myself!

Yesterday was very busy. I'm stressing out trying to help plan this party for the weekend and I spend most of the day buying stuff for the house. It was nice
to have my mind extremely busy, though in retrospect I don't know if I've been there for Tracie the way she wants me to. My mind is just very busy and as a result, I'm uptight. But this is what makes me happy and that's what she said to do.

I realized when I hang out with people that aren't trace, I just tall about myself and how I am and how I feel. I need to take time for myself to figure how I feel and channel my emotions and thoughts into a place. That's why this blog was supposed to be hut I hadn't kept up with. Me mental health is just as important as school though, if not more, so there's no more excuse for not making the time to bleed out a little.

I haven't even had the time to be nervous about these parties this weekend but maybe that's a good thing.

I need to go to the doctor and see about my skin if it doesn't clear up.

That's about it.

You know

I was starting to feel better for a little bit when I would write frequently so here I go trying.

Today I read about a 20 year old guy who's dying of a rare blood disorder and doesn't know what it is -- it's sad, but I thought I'd start this post out with that for some perspective.

Amalie, it's not that bad.

But with that, my uncle is in the hospital for detox from high alcohol levels. It's really bad. And it's happened before and nobody knows how to handle it because no one has any faith in him to make a life for himself if he's put out on his ass. He's embarrassed of his situation and doesn't want to ask his immediate family for help because he's failed before.
Everyone in his family is just sick of the drama and cold hearted. But I haven't given up -- I just don't have the means to do anything it seems, but to speak kind words and be here for him. But I can't really unless he reaches out to me.

I don't like the way my body looks and I don't even feel good. I don't have very much energy because it's 100 degrees outside and that doesn't help.

Because my grandparents are no longer coming to austin because of the situation with my uncle, my weekend has freed up and my parents want me to go on vacation with them this weekend and I don't want to because
It's the week before school starts and it was very short notice and I'm not ready to leave for 4 days. I think they're ok with it though -- if there's one thing I have peace of mind about it's this -- but I do miss my family and I wish they were here.

Schools about to start and it's making me nervous like it does ever year - but in a subconscious way. It's almost as if that stress intensifies other stress that I have about other things but otter than that has no effect on me at all.

Im. Tired. Of. Everyone.
And it's fucking up my relationship.

I'm tired of being alone - which is how I spend the first half of every day now, and I wonder if thats shaping me to be more antisocial than I already am.

The good news is schools about to start and therein lies a lot of opportunity to meet some new friends.

In about a week I will be better.
Once I have to get my ass to class, talk to people, forget about everything else and stop entertaining myself with food and trees.

Tschüsi

Set up

I don't even feel alive right now.

I had a bad day today. I was alone or running around for most of it. Super tweaking on caffiene. Did way too much. Hurt my back.

And I fucking can't handle anything right now. Being frustrated. Having people frustrated with me.

Starting to feel

I'm prepared to get very anxious in a couple weeks because school is about to start. But I am also very excited about school, new schedule, new house and new roommates. I'm gonna miss 806 Dean Keeton. I wonder if I'm finally gonna be able to settle down once I have my shit together after I graduate.

Fucking wanderlust! That darn wanderlust!

I feel wanderlust is too often taken advantage of and used as an excuse for immaturity.

I like to move around and inconvenience everybody (so says my parents). Diagnosis, wanderlust.

She likes to open her legs. Diagnosis, wanderlust.

He likes to switch majors and is costing his parents a fortune. You guessed it.

Pride. Selfishness. Wanderlust.

So I have no idea what I'm going to do today. Tracie is in Houston till this weekend. Jackson has an interview and a lot of work to do and made plans with John and his friends are coming into town and all of this stupid. I fear for my life sometimes because it's so intertwined in these people, these things, I don't know where I fall with respect to myself.

I like having my german friends around to keep my feet on the floor. And i know I'm gonna feel better when council starts back up. But goddammit I wish Pia weren't leafing. And I wish Alex wasn't gonna be gone. Really take a huge chunk out of the people I want to hang out with list.

When did I become so antisocial?
Ironically, probably when I stopped hanging out alone.

Mother

Mimi came to Austin this past weekend to see me. JUST to see me. She had nothing on her agenda more than just to spend time with me doing things I like to do.

We went to the farmers market, goodwill shopping, north loop, south congress, tons of food places, domain, Lakeway. All over. She was sweet to Jackson and didn't try telling me that I was wrong for anything. She let me cook her dinner, even though she kicks my ass at cooking.

My own mother wouldn't even do that. If I want to spend time with her it has to be on her terms, in her city, at her mercy. Even 'bonding' time is a matter of control. It just kind of occurred to me after mimi's visit.

Maybe I'm being too hard on her. My mom is tired because she works full time, so it's not as easy to drive up for a weekend. But I don't know how she would know, because she's never done that without Jake or Dad.

Our relationship is based on family, and I don't like that. I respect and appreciate it, but I have no idea who she is other than my mother.

I'm going to call her and explain this. He is going to grt defensive and think I'm saying mimi is better than her or something like that. Manipulation control blah blah blah.

I hope she proves me wrong

In other news, I went on my first yoga ride yesterday. It was exhilarating though after spending a day making eggplant Parmesan , quite tiring.

I wanna do it more
But today, I relax.

Someone told me a long long time ago that I could do that but I'm starting to realize I actually can't.

Everyone quit trolling

Earlier this week I dropped my erm...pencil bag in the kitchen. And I didn't realize it until I got home from work, and Jackson held up a pencil bag and asked if it was mine. Although there were the same amount of pencils, and I didn't know where my pencil bag was, I had trouble believing that this one was mine, because it was dirtier and the pencils seemed shorter. Even though lots of things corroborated, some things didn't. And I wasn't going to accept the truth till everything did.

Yesterday my bosses were talking to a young guy in my office and for a little while I was worried I was being replaced by him.

I fought with Jackson yesterday because he was not in a good mood and I assumed it was because of me.

My mom called me yesterday afternoon upset with me because her dad is pestering her. And blamed me because I talked to him. I did not ask him to pester her. I was not at fault. But I was upset because I was being blamed.

I feel overly responsible for things. Because a lot of times I am blamed for things I am not responsible for, I sometimes overcompensate and assume that I am being blamed for things I am not.

It's sad because now I'm left realizing that I'm probably hurting my relationships by making these assumptions. If not, I'm definitely adding unpleasantness.

Anxiety is learned.

Dallas

I really need to get back in the habit of posting on this every day cause I'm forgetting my dreams.

Dallas has been amazing so far and I am happy to be here with my very very sweet Jackson. We've tried a lot of new food places and hung out with Eugene and the rents and tonight we watched our first movie together in theaters as a couple. Tonight we watched fight club. I haven't watched a movie that dark in god knows howlong.

I'm realizing more and more that the people in my life are very successful at going to great lengths to make me happy and feel good, and I just need to think about that more

I had some coffee earlier and that may be keeping me up too.
Honestly, I haven't been up this late in 'godknows how long', and I'm not feeling great so this is gonna be short. I'm a little upset and I dont want to go to sleep this way.

But I might as well.

Used abused confused and stuck

A little part of me wonders, no, is absolutely sure that she is only being pursued in some relationships because they have become very convenient. And another part of me doesn't mind at all, because it's convenient for her too. But these relationships have years of history, it's too much to throw away over speculation.

The night before last, I dreamed that I called my father, but right when he answered someone beeped through. I took that call and forgot about my dad. He texted me requesting that I never call him again. My father can be really mean to people he loves.

Then last night I dreamed I was pregnant. I was more worried about how much having the baby was gonna hurt than I was about how much my life was gonna change. I've never dreamed that I actually had the stomach and everything, it was pretty real. I had to check when I woke up.

Yesterday I went to the secret beach with Tracie, Jackson, Alec and Justin. I only wanted to go with the first two, because that was it could be more chill, but instead it was an "aDVEnTurr". I was a little peeves at first but I tried to put a smile on my face. I dont like it when I plan something because I think it will be one way, and then it enda up being another way but Im stuck dojng it cause they were my plans. I like Justin and Alec a lot, but I think they're tired of me. Fine, I'm tired of them too.

But all and all yesterday was fantastic. Today should be too, and the rest of my fourday weekend. I hope ta finish my roll of film.

The fire

Last night I dreamt that I was house sitting for my parents. It was the morning and I had to go to school. When I came back, there was a hole in my car, and my parents house was burned to the ground. In the remnants, there was a pot on the stove and it had been left on a burner. My dad did it.

Work was fun today. I got to drive a couple from Milwaukee around to look at houses for them an their lil b on the way. What a lucky kid that gets to grow up in a place like Austin!

The three hours since I got off work have been bad and I've been trying to slap some wrists and right some wrongs but no one really seems to see that Im just doing what's best for them.

No one ever sees that
It's always so short term.

Yesterday I had fun with Tracie smoking green and making these.



I decided that I'm eating healthy this week. Not spending more than $20 on buying food, so I made a very thorough grocery list. Get to shop in a few minutes. Also, I will drink exclusively water. And I will work out for 30 minutes at least 3 times. (I'm not feeling great about my appearance -- this is me taking control.)

I'm hoping the rest of the day will be better than the beginning. Radioshow tonight. I'm excited to see everyone after New Braunfels :)

Last Night

Yesterday was a really good day. And last night could've been a really good night if everyone just left me the fuck alone. But they didn't.

In very much of the same way as if you don't let a puppy out of the back yard, he'll flip a shit when the gate opens, if you don't ever spend any time apart with someone you take care of all the time and care for deeply, when you do they will show up at your doorstep at 2am and barf in your toilet.

It's 11am, and honestly, the later it gets, the more upset I become at the fact that I feel obligated to sit here and watch this boy sleep and not pursue my day. Not because I have to, but because I don't know what else to do. At least not until 2, when I will go with my German friends to San Marcos and float the mawfuckin river.

I'm fucking irritated and I hope I don't stay that way.
Maybe I need some food in me.

Tschus

Papa don't preach

I lied to my parents when I was younger, and I never really thought it was that bad. But later in life for a while, I saw nothing wrong with lying about what I was doing, because I wasn't doing anything wrong. And what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them

A note to parents everywhere: don't say no to your kids just because you can. You wonder why your teenagers are rebellious and disobedient... It's because you guys are controlling and manipulative. It's really fucked up and it fucks us up long term.

Throughout the course of history, if you haven't noticed, people have tended to want the things that they cannot have or are hard to obtain. Silk. Gold. Royal status. Beauty. Meat on your bones, and later when food was abundant, we switched to wanting nothing more than to look like we don't eat at all.

So when we can't stay out past 1, or choose our own diet, never get the chance to experiment with adult situations, when you are still there to sweep up our shit, we have to teach ourselves to become adults and accredit our intellectual independence to ourselves

Honestly that's not what I came here to say, but I thought that was worth mentioning.

What I came here to say, is a message to everyone in the world, lying is wrong and please don't do it.

It is a sign of cowardice. It hurts you. It hurts those you lie to. It hurts those you lie about.

So why do we do it?

A very good friend of mine is struggling with the idea of confronting her long time boyfriend (who she very much loves) about the fact that she has a very close guy friend who she loves spending time with, and has no romantic intentions with. (familliar, Amalie?) She swears if she says anything, he will get mad at her and forbid her from hanging out with him. Because she hasn't talked to him, though, she'll never know for sure, and it's because she is afraid of being honest. Because she is afraid of facing the trust problem her and her man have.

We lie because we are afraid of dealing with the truth.

Lying is the kind of problem that it is, because it's widespread. People forgive people who lie, because it is such an easy thing to do, so everyone does it. And we'd be hypocritical if we made a big deal about it.

But fuck that. Lies don't alter reality, they mask them. When people recover from being lied to, they figure this out, and make themselves feel better about the Lügen and the the Lügerei.

note: in German, Lügen are the lies themselves, whereas Lügerei is the act of lying. English, for whatever reason, doesn't have one word for the act of lying. When admonishing a liar, English speakers are then more inclined to admonish an individual lie rather than the act of lying. Perhaps this linguistic gap is partially responsible for the lack of stigma in our country.

I feel weird leavin this entry at this. I hate lies and I hate the act of lying. I have lied before and I hate that fucking coward part of myself more than I hate any other part of me. I am in a relationship that started on some rocky ground because of a couple of lies, told because my lover and I were afraid of losing each other, and a year later (see last post) I am only beginning to feel at peace. This Kampf has opened the lines of communication between myself and the person who 50% of my total communication is with. There are no lies, and in the last little while, that has carried over into the rest of my life.

Being lied to is tough, because I don't feel I (or anyone else for that matter) deserves it. But if somehow, I could share with everyone else in the world, or really anyone else in the world, what the beauty of trust and honesty has showed me, I feel it would be a better world.

I am so lucky to have the love that I do in my life. It shines hope on literally every other aspect.

Of all the kinds of love to crave we crave the kind that's wrong

I had a dream last night that I've been trying to have for a really long time.

A lot of the dreams I've been having lately involve a large group of people in an isolated place working together to accomplish something. This was one of those settings. It was a craft show in a window covered building that looked like an office in the outside, but a hotel ballroom on the inside. I don't know if it matters but it was held to benefit a charity. Jackson was not with me. I showed up and was looking around, when out of nowhere 80% of the people involved started doing this awesome choreographed movement. It wasn't quite a dance, but everyone was wearing m&m colored shirts and moving in lines and patterns. It was beautiful and I was moved, but not before too long, I started to get upset that I wasn't a part of it. So I went apeshit. I started knocking over tables and the racks where the stuff was displayed, breaking glass all over the place. The dancing didn't stop. Everyone else was upset at me but I just kept destroying. A few people tried to chase me, but I was too fast and I climbed a tree. In the tree was a housemate of mine from Arrakis, trying to tell me people were mad and I should stop.
So I ran to an elementary school across the street posed as an interviewer, and asked a lady what she thought of what was going on across the street.
She said it wasn't a big deal and she was going to let her kid take the bus home.
The last thing that happened is probably the most literal, and means the most to me in my conscious life. On the way home I ran into my friends Seth* and Amanda* who don't usually hang out togethr, and asked what they were doing. Background, Amanda might be my least favorite person on the planet. It's not that she did anything wrong or that I don't like her, she just reminds me of things I should be able to not have to be reminded of.

But in this dream, I felt nothing toward her. She didn't mean anything to me but exactly who she was, and exactly what she was saying.

Thats when I woke up.

So the first thing I'm gonna admit, yes I have issues with belonging. My life is very tightly wound around a handful of people, with whom I have independent relationships, and when those relationships are taken in a different context sometimes I don't react well. I've never destroyed anything because of it and I don't know what it means that I resorted to destruction. What I do know is that when I saw my housemate I felt a little silly, maybe cause I could have belonged there if I really wanted, but at the time I didn't.

The main reason I chose to write this, is to mention the little thing that happened with Amanda. I can't say that I've experienced an encounter with her, subconscious or not, that left me feeling nothing. I am not certain it will continue to happen in my dreams or transfer over to real life, but I do know that it's possible and it's something I want very much.