I'm prepared to get very anxious in a couple weeks because school is about to start. But I am also very excited about school, new schedule, new house and new roommates. I'm gonna miss 806 Dean Keeton. I wonder if I'm finally gonna be able to settle down once I have my shit together after I graduate.
Fucking wanderlust! That darn wanderlust!
I feel wanderlust is too often taken advantage of and used as an excuse for immaturity.
I like to move around and inconvenience everybody (so says my parents). Diagnosis, wanderlust.
She likes to open her legs. Diagnosis, wanderlust.
He likes to switch majors and is costing his parents a fortune. You guessed it.
Pride. Selfishness. Wanderlust.
So I have no idea what I'm going to do today. Tracie is in Houston till this weekend. Jackson has an interview and a lot of work to do and made plans with John and his friends are coming into town and all of this stupid. I fear for my life sometimes because it's so intertwined in these people, these things, I don't know where I fall with respect to myself.
I like having my german friends around to keep my feet on the floor. And i know I'm gonna feel better when council starts back up. But goddammit I wish Pia weren't leafing. And I wish Alex wasn't gonna be gone. Really take a huge chunk out of the people I want to hang out with list.
When did I become so antisocial?
Ironically, probably when I stopped hanging out alone.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Mother
Mimi came to Austin this past weekend to see me. JUST to see me. She had nothing on her agenda more than just to spend time with me doing things I like to do.
We went to the farmers market, goodwill shopping, north loop, south congress, tons of food places, domain, Lakeway. All over. She was sweet to Jackson and didn't try telling me that I was wrong for anything. She let me cook her dinner, even though she kicks my ass at cooking.
My own mother wouldn't even do that. If I want to spend time with her it has to be on her terms, in her city, at her mercy. Even 'bonding' time is a matter of control. It just kind of occurred to me after mimi's visit.
Maybe I'm being too hard on her. My mom is tired because she works full time, so it's not as easy to drive up for a weekend. But I don't know how she would know, because she's never done that without Jake or Dad.
Our relationship is based on family, and I don't like that. I respect and appreciate it, but I have no idea who she is other than my mother.
I'm going to call her and explain this. He is going to grt defensive and think I'm saying mimi is better than her or something like that. Manipulation control blah blah blah.
I hope she proves me wrong
In other news, I went on my first yoga ride yesterday. It was exhilarating though after spending a day making eggplant Parmesan , quite tiring.
I wanna do it more
But today, I relax.
We went to the farmers market, goodwill shopping, north loop, south congress, tons of food places, domain, Lakeway. All over. She was sweet to Jackson and didn't try telling me that I was wrong for anything. She let me cook her dinner, even though she kicks my ass at cooking.
My own mother wouldn't even do that. If I want to spend time with her it has to be on her terms, in her city, at her mercy. Even 'bonding' time is a matter of control. It just kind of occurred to me after mimi's visit.
Maybe I'm being too hard on her. My mom is tired because she works full time, so it's not as easy to drive up for a weekend. But I don't know how she would know, because she's never done that without Jake or Dad.
Our relationship is based on family, and I don't like that. I respect and appreciate it, but I have no idea who she is other than my mother.
I'm going to call her and explain this. He is going to grt defensive and think I'm saying mimi is better than her or something like that. Manipulation control blah blah blah.
I hope she proves me wrong
In other news, I went on my first yoga ride yesterday. It was exhilarating though after spending a day making eggplant Parmesan , quite tiring.
I wanna do it more
But today, I relax.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Everyone quit trolling
Earlier this week I dropped my erm...pencil bag in the kitchen. And I didn't realize it until I got home from work, and Jackson held up a pencil bag and asked if it was mine. Although there were the same amount of pencils, and I didn't know where my pencil bag was, I had trouble believing that this one was mine, because it was dirtier and the pencils seemed shorter. Even though lots of things corroborated, some things didn't. And I wasn't going to accept the truth till everything did.
Yesterday my bosses were talking to a young guy in my office and for a little while I was worried I was being replaced by him.
I fought with Jackson yesterday because he was not in a good mood and I assumed it was because of me.
My mom called me yesterday afternoon upset with me because her dad is pestering her. And blamed me because I talked to him. I did not ask him to pester her. I was not at fault. But I was upset because I was being blamed.
I feel overly responsible for things. Because a lot of times I am blamed for things I am not responsible for, I sometimes overcompensate and assume that I am being blamed for things I am not.
It's sad because now I'm left realizing that I'm probably hurting my relationships by making these assumptions. If not, I'm definitely adding unpleasantness.
Anxiety is learned.
Yesterday my bosses were talking to a young guy in my office and for a little while I was worried I was being replaced by him.
I fought with Jackson yesterday because he was not in a good mood and I assumed it was because of me.
My mom called me yesterday afternoon upset with me because her dad is pestering her. And blamed me because I talked to him. I did not ask him to pester her. I was not at fault. But I was upset because I was being blamed.
I feel overly responsible for things. Because a lot of times I am blamed for things I am not responsible for, I sometimes overcompensate and assume that I am being blamed for things I am not.
It's sad because now I'm left realizing that I'm probably hurting my relationships by making these assumptions. If not, I'm definitely adding unpleasantness.
Anxiety is learned.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Dallas
I really need to get back in the habit of posting on this every day cause I'm forgetting my dreams.
Dallas has been amazing so far and I am happy to be here with my very very sweet Jackson. We've tried a lot of new food places and hung out with Eugene and the rents and tonight we watched our first movie together in theaters as a couple. Tonight we watched fight club. I haven't watched a movie that dark in god knows howlong.
I'm realizing more and more that the people in my life are very successful at going to great lengths to make me happy and feel good, and I just need to think about that more
I had some coffee earlier and that may be keeping me up too.
Honestly, I haven't been up this late in 'godknows how long', and I'm not feeling great so this is gonna be short. I'm a little upset and I dont want to go to sleep this way.
But I might as well.
Dallas has been amazing so far and I am happy to be here with my very very sweet Jackson. We've tried a lot of new food places and hung out with Eugene and the rents and tonight we watched our first movie together in theaters as a couple. Tonight we watched fight club. I haven't watched a movie that dark in god knows howlong.
I'm realizing more and more that the people in my life are very successful at going to great lengths to make me happy and feel good, and I just need to think about that more
I had some coffee earlier and that may be keeping me up too.
Honestly, I haven't been up this late in 'godknows how long', and I'm not feeling great so this is gonna be short. I'm a little upset and I dont want to go to sleep this way.
But I might as well.
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