A little part of me wonders, no, is absolutely sure that she is only being pursued in some relationships because they have become very convenient. And another part of me doesn't mind at all, because it's convenient for her too. But these relationships have years of history, it's too much to throw away over speculation.
The night before last, I dreamed that I called my father, but right when he answered someone beeped through. I took that call and forgot about my dad. He texted me requesting that I never call him again. My father can be really mean to people he loves.
Then last night I dreamed I was pregnant. I was more worried about how much having the baby was gonna hurt than I was about how much my life was gonna change. I've never dreamed that I actually had the stomach and everything, it was pretty real. I had to check when I woke up.
Yesterday I went to the secret beach with Tracie, Jackson, Alec and Justin. I only wanted to go with the first two, because that was it could be more chill, but instead it was an "aDVEnTurr". I was a little peeves at first but I tried to put a smile on my face. I dont like it when I plan something because I think it will be one way, and then it enda up being another way but Im stuck dojng it cause they were my plans. I like Justin and Alec a lot, but I think they're tired of me. Fine, I'm tired of them too.
But all and all yesterday was fantastic. Today should be too, and the rest of my fourday weekend. I hope ta finish my roll of film.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
The fire
Last night I dreamt that I was house sitting for my parents. It was the morning and I had to go to school. When I came back, there was a hole in my car, and my parents house was burned to the ground. In the remnants, there was a pot on the stove and it had been left on a burner. My dad did it.
Work was fun today. I got to drive a couple from Milwaukee around to look at houses for them an their lil b on the way. What a lucky kid that gets to grow up in a place like Austin!
The three hours since I got off work have been bad and I've been trying to slap some wrists and right some wrongs but no one really seems to see that Im just doing what's best for them.
No one ever sees that
It's always so short term.
Yesterday I had fun with Tracie smoking green and making these.
I decided that I'm eating healthy this week. Not spending more than $20 on buying food, so I made a very thorough grocery list. Get to shop in a few minutes. Also, I will drink exclusively water. And I will work out for 30 minutes at least 3 times. (I'm not feeling great about my appearance -- this is me taking control.)
I'm hoping the rest of the day will be better than the beginning. Radioshow tonight. I'm excited to see everyone after New Braunfels :)
Work was fun today. I got to drive a couple from Milwaukee around to look at houses for them an their lil b on the way. What a lucky kid that gets to grow up in a place like Austin!
The three hours since I got off work have been bad and I've been trying to slap some wrists and right some wrongs but no one really seems to see that Im just doing what's best for them.
No one ever sees that
It's always so short term.
Yesterday I had fun with Tracie smoking green and making these.
I decided that I'm eating healthy this week. Not spending more than $20 on buying food, so I made a very thorough grocery list. Get to shop in a few minutes. Also, I will drink exclusively water. And I will work out for 30 minutes at least 3 times. (I'm not feeling great about my appearance -- this is me taking control.)
I'm hoping the rest of the day will be better than the beginning. Radioshow tonight. I'm excited to see everyone after New Braunfels :)
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Last Night
Yesterday was a really good day. And last night could've been a really good night if everyone just left me the fuck alone. But they didn't.
In very much of the same way as if you don't let a puppy out of the back yard, he'll flip a shit when the gate opens, if you don't ever spend any time apart with someone you take care of all the time and care for deeply, when you do they will show up at your doorstep at 2am and barf in your toilet.
It's 11am, and honestly, the later it gets, the more upset I become at the fact that I feel obligated to sit here and watch this boy sleep and not pursue my day. Not because I have to, but because I don't know what else to do. At least not until 2, when I will go with my German friends to San Marcos and float the mawfuckin river.
I'm fucking irritated and I hope I don't stay that way.
Maybe I need some food in me.
Tschus
In very much of the same way as if you don't let a puppy out of the back yard, he'll flip a shit when the gate opens, if you don't ever spend any time apart with someone you take care of all the time and care for deeply, when you do they will show up at your doorstep at 2am and barf in your toilet.
It's 11am, and honestly, the later it gets, the more upset I become at the fact that I feel obligated to sit here and watch this boy sleep and not pursue my day. Not because I have to, but because I don't know what else to do. At least not until 2, when I will go with my German friends to San Marcos and float the mawfuckin river.
I'm fucking irritated and I hope I don't stay that way.
Maybe I need some food in me.
Tschus
Friday, June 24, 2011
Papa don't preach
I lied to my parents when I was younger, and I never really thought it was that bad. But later in life for a while, I saw nothing wrong with lying about what I was doing, because I wasn't doing anything wrong. And what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them
A note to parents everywhere: don't say no to your kids just because you can. You wonder why your teenagers are rebellious and disobedient... It's because you guys are controlling and manipulative. It's really fucked up and it fucks us up long term.
Throughout the course of history, if you haven't noticed, people have tended to want the things that they cannot have or are hard to obtain. Silk. Gold. Royal status. Beauty. Meat on your bones, and later when food was abundant, we switched to wanting nothing more than to look like we don't eat at all.
So when we can't stay out past 1, or choose our own diet, never get the chance to experiment with adult situations, when you are still there to sweep up our shit, we have to teach ourselves to become adults and accredit our intellectual independence to ourselves
Honestly that's not what I came here to say, but I thought that was worth mentioning.
What I came here to say, is a message to everyone in the world, lying is wrong and please don't do it.
It is a sign of cowardice. It hurts you. It hurts those you lie to. It hurts those you lie about.
So why do we do it?
A very good friend of mine is struggling with the idea of confronting her long time boyfriend (who she very much loves) about the fact that she has a very close guy friend who she loves spending time with, and has no romantic intentions with. (familliar, Amalie?) She swears if she says anything, he will get mad at her and forbid her from hanging out with him. Because she hasn't talked to him, though, she'll never know for sure, and it's because she is afraid of being honest. Because she is afraid of facing the trust problem her and her man have.
We lie because we are afraid of dealing with the truth.
Lying is the kind of problem that it is, because it's widespread. People forgive people who lie, because it is such an easy thing to do, so everyone does it. And we'd be hypocritical if we made a big deal about it.
But fuck that. Lies don't alter reality, they mask them. When people recover from being lied to, they figure this out, and make themselves feel better about the Lügen and the the Lügerei.
note: in German, Lügen are the lies themselves, whereas Lügerei is the act of lying. English, for whatever reason, doesn't have one word for the act of lying. When admonishing a liar, English speakers are then more inclined to admonish an individual lie rather than the act of lying. Perhaps this linguistic gap is partially responsible for the lack of stigma in our country.
I feel weird leavin this entry at this. I hate lies and I hate the act of lying. I have lied before and I hate that fucking coward part of myself more than I hate any other part of me. I am in a relationship that started on some rocky ground because of a couple of lies, told because my lover and I were afraid of losing each other, and a year later (see last post) I am only beginning to feel at peace. This Kampf has opened the lines of communication between myself and the person who 50% of my total communication is with. There are no lies, and in the last little while, that has carried over into the rest of my life.
Being lied to is tough, because I don't feel I (or anyone else for that matter) deserves it. But if somehow, I could share with everyone else in the world, or really anyone else in the world, what the beauty of trust and honesty has showed me, I feel it would be a better world.
I am so lucky to have the love that I do in my life. It shines hope on literally every other aspect.
A note to parents everywhere: don't say no to your kids just because you can. You wonder why your teenagers are rebellious and disobedient... It's because you guys are controlling and manipulative. It's really fucked up and it fucks us up long term.
Throughout the course of history, if you haven't noticed, people have tended to want the things that they cannot have or are hard to obtain. Silk. Gold. Royal status. Beauty. Meat on your bones, and later when food was abundant, we switched to wanting nothing more than to look like we don't eat at all.
So when we can't stay out past 1, or choose our own diet, never get the chance to experiment with adult situations, when you are still there to sweep up our shit, we have to teach ourselves to become adults and accredit our intellectual independence to ourselves
Honestly that's not what I came here to say, but I thought that was worth mentioning.
What I came here to say, is a message to everyone in the world, lying is wrong and please don't do it.
It is a sign of cowardice. It hurts you. It hurts those you lie to. It hurts those you lie about.
So why do we do it?
A very good friend of mine is struggling with the idea of confronting her long time boyfriend (who she very much loves) about the fact that she has a very close guy friend who she loves spending time with, and has no romantic intentions with. (familliar, Amalie?) She swears if she says anything, he will get mad at her and forbid her from hanging out with him. Because she hasn't talked to him, though, she'll never know for sure, and it's because she is afraid of being honest. Because she is afraid of facing the trust problem her and her man have.
We lie because we are afraid of dealing with the truth.
Lying is the kind of problem that it is, because it's widespread. People forgive people who lie, because it is such an easy thing to do, so everyone does it. And we'd be hypocritical if we made a big deal about it.
But fuck that. Lies don't alter reality, they mask them. When people recover from being lied to, they figure this out, and make themselves feel better about the Lügen and the the Lügerei.
note: in German, Lügen are the lies themselves, whereas Lügerei is the act of lying. English, for whatever reason, doesn't have one word for the act of lying. When admonishing a liar, English speakers are then more inclined to admonish an individual lie rather than the act of lying. Perhaps this linguistic gap is partially responsible for the lack of stigma in our country.
I feel weird leavin this entry at this. I hate lies and I hate the act of lying. I have lied before and I hate that fucking coward part of myself more than I hate any other part of me. I am in a relationship that started on some rocky ground because of a couple of lies, told because my lover and I were afraid of losing each other, and a year later (see last post) I am only beginning to feel at peace. This Kampf has opened the lines of communication between myself and the person who 50% of my total communication is with. There are no lies, and in the last little while, that has carried over into the rest of my life.
Being lied to is tough, because I don't feel I (or anyone else for that matter) deserves it. But if somehow, I could share with everyone else in the world, or really anyone else in the world, what the beauty of trust and honesty has showed me, I feel it would be a better world.
I am so lucky to have the love that I do in my life. It shines hope on literally every other aspect.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Of all the kinds of love to crave we crave the kind that's wrong
I had a dream last night that I've been trying to have for a really long time.
A lot of the dreams I've been having lately involve a large group of people in an isolated place working together to accomplish something. This was one of those settings. It was a craft show in a window covered building that looked like an office in the outside, but a hotel ballroom on the inside. I don't know if it matters but it was held to benefit a charity. Jackson was not with me. I showed up and was looking around, when out of nowhere 80% of the people involved started doing this awesome choreographed movement. It wasn't quite a dance, but everyone was wearing m&m colored shirts and moving in lines and patterns. It was beautiful and I was moved, but not before too long, I started to get upset that I wasn't a part of it. So I went apeshit. I started knocking over tables and the racks where the stuff was displayed, breaking glass all over the place. The dancing didn't stop. Everyone else was upset at me but I just kept destroying. A few people tried to chase me, but I was too fast and I climbed a tree. In the tree was a housemate of mine from Arrakis, trying to tell me people were mad and I should stop.
So I ran to an elementary school across the street posed as an interviewer, and asked a lady what she thought of what was going on across the street.
She said it wasn't a big deal and she was going to let her kid take the bus home.
The last thing that happened is probably the most literal, and means the most to me in my conscious life. On the way home I ran into my friends Seth* and Amanda* who don't usually hang out togethr, and asked what they were doing. Background, Amanda might be my least favorite person on the planet. It's not that she did anything wrong or that I don't like her, she just reminds me of things I should be able to not have to be reminded of.
But in this dream, I felt nothing toward her. She didn't mean anything to me but exactly who she was, and exactly what she was saying.
Thats when I woke up.
So the first thing I'm gonna admit, yes I have issues with belonging. My life is very tightly wound around a handful of people, with whom I have independent relationships, and when those relationships are taken in a different context sometimes I don't react well. I've never destroyed anything because of it and I don't know what it means that I resorted to destruction. What I do know is that when I saw my housemate I felt a little silly, maybe cause I could have belonged there if I really wanted, but at the time I didn't.
The main reason I chose to write this, is to mention the little thing that happened with Amanda. I can't say that I've experienced an encounter with her, subconscious or not, that left me feeling nothing. I am not certain it will continue to happen in my dreams or transfer over to real life, but I do know that it's possible and it's something I want very much.
A lot of the dreams I've been having lately involve a large group of people in an isolated place working together to accomplish something. This was one of those settings. It was a craft show in a window covered building that looked like an office in the outside, but a hotel ballroom on the inside. I don't know if it matters but it was held to benefit a charity. Jackson was not with me. I showed up and was looking around, when out of nowhere 80% of the people involved started doing this awesome choreographed movement. It wasn't quite a dance, but everyone was wearing m&m colored shirts and moving in lines and patterns. It was beautiful and I was moved, but not before too long, I started to get upset that I wasn't a part of it. So I went apeshit. I started knocking over tables and the racks where the stuff was displayed, breaking glass all over the place. The dancing didn't stop. Everyone else was upset at me but I just kept destroying. A few people tried to chase me, but I was too fast and I climbed a tree. In the tree was a housemate of mine from Arrakis, trying to tell me people were mad and I should stop.
So I ran to an elementary school across the street posed as an interviewer, and asked a lady what she thought of what was going on across the street.
She said it wasn't a big deal and she was going to let her kid take the bus home.
The last thing that happened is probably the most literal, and means the most to me in my conscious life. On the way home I ran into my friends Seth* and Amanda* who don't usually hang out togethr, and asked what they were doing. Background, Amanda might be my least favorite person on the planet. It's not that she did anything wrong or that I don't like her, she just reminds me of things I should be able to not have to be reminded of.
But in this dream, I felt nothing toward her. She didn't mean anything to me but exactly who she was, and exactly what she was saying.
Thats when I woke up.
So the first thing I'm gonna admit, yes I have issues with belonging. My life is very tightly wound around a handful of people, with whom I have independent relationships, and when those relationships are taken in a different context sometimes I don't react well. I've never destroyed anything because of it and I don't know what it means that I resorted to destruction. What I do know is that when I saw my housemate I felt a little silly, maybe cause I could have belonged there if I really wanted, but at the time I didn't.
The main reason I chose to write this, is to mention the little thing that happened with Amanda. I can't say that I've experienced an encounter with her, subconscious or not, that left me feeling nothing. I am not certain it will continue to happen in my dreams or transfer over to real life, but I do know that it's possible and it's something I want very much.
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