Defining the Line

Remember that one time I started a blog and thought I would be able to keep up with it?
Ha. Right.

I'm going to spare myself from spewing the minor details surrounding the bridges I've built and burned and crossed and that have fallen and crumbled and come undone.
I've come undone.

I'm a lady. It's recently dawned on me that I'm a lady. Like, I know I'm a fucking girl and shit. But I'm also a lady. I get special privileges. I get shotty without having to claim it. I get into parties. I make eyes and score free things. You know, the things that matter?

It's also recently occurred to me that, since I'm a lady, I don't get the thrill of romantic pursuit.
Since I'm a lady, if I do the seeking, I'm a pathetic desperate bitch.
I don't feel that way, but the simple truth is that I'd much rather feel bored and uncomplicated than as if I was looked upon as a dumb slut.

Boys get fucking everything. I think I know where Beyonce was coming from with that dumb ass shitty "if I were a boy" song. It's so ridiculous though. No matter how much I hang out with the bros, sit like a bro, talk like a bro, I can't escape the confines of this "lady" bullshit.
I'm really mad at the women before us who decided to sit pretty and cook and clean and sew and fuck while the guys were out pursuing exactly what they wanted, and getting it.

And to think people say we've evolved as a people. Ha. Letting guys pay for us. Open fucking doors for us. Walking on the inside of the street. Waiting for them to call us. Getting pretty for them. Socially, everything we do that makes us women is to cater to the wants of guys.

I know I'm not the first one to think this. That's why I'm not going to be on the spectrum -- the one that has these subservient ignoramuses on one side and the radically dike-y barely-humans on the other side.

My solution to this, which I feel would maximize personal gain, is to disregard the spectrum altogether. Disregard the rules and the spectrum and seek what I want, like humans naturally do, and would, were they not conditioned to feel like they had to set limits on their desires. As if greed is a bad thing.

Don't get me wrong though. I know that taking chances means passing others up. And I fully expect for that to happen.

It's funny. I've been working on this fucking blog for like 2 days now. When I started writing it, I was joined outside Big Bite by a really wise friend of mine who gave me a lot of insight as far as gender roles and romantic pursuit and even sex goes.

With that, a paragraph about sex. Word is I've been missing out on some bomb-ass sex. But whatever. I like my chastity or whatever you call it. I honestly feel like it gives me the power to know that whoever I'm with likes me for who I am. And no one I've ever cared about is worth submitting that power to, honestly.

It's been a good weekend so far. Last night I sat on a couch. Honestly, that's all I did. But it's awesome. The room is clean, my inbox is accounted for, all my tests are done, my daddy's in a good way with the job sitch. I haven't felt this stress-free since I moved to Austin.
As much as I love this city, there's a lot of responsibility that has to be exhibited with all there is to do.

Anyway, I've had a lot more thoughts other than this feminism bullshit, but this is thematic and recurring. I feel like I've moved forward and acquired more conviction and I'm totally cool with who I am and the way I am.

Feels good, man.