I relinquish all efforts to exploit such control.

There comes a time every month or two in this woman's life where it seems like I have many, many great ideas.
I'm full of great ideas.

So fucking what.

I had a midlife crisis this week, I think. I've come to realize that I don't know what I'm doing, or where I'm going. I'm just one of those kids spending my parents money at a big public university with no particular goal in mind.
I have goals, but I can't score all of them. And that seems to somewhat discourage me from scoring any.

But I feel like I need to take a few minutes and just think about everything. Talk about everything. Before I start studying for midterms in classes that I don't even know if I'm gonna need.

Probably the greatest source of discomfort I've been having lately is the inability to trust. The more you trust someone, the more they trust you -- and you learn about them. I feel if you know too much about someone, their tendencies become exacerbated in obviousness because once you have identified these qualities, your perception of them materializes and only grows. So when you know that someone very close to you has betrayed the trust of someone else, it's difficult to not be on guard.

I think for a while, I suppressed the notion of the possibility of being betrayed, and that was very, very comfortable. But I realized that I don't want to live suppressed, and I don't want to be controlled, or at the mercy of the people that I love and fear losing.
I don't want to be a passenger seat driver. I'm a big girl, and I have my own fucking car.
Except I don't, but that's just literally.

So recently, I tried being a little less accommodating and a little more self-serving.
Frankly, it sucks.

I like having something else to live for. But I guess that slipped my mind that ultimately, we all live for our own ends, and it just so happens that my well-being ends depend on the happiness of the others as means.

We create our own stars.

Also I have been thinking a lot about identity and its construction and weather cognition of said construction is something to be frowned upon or respected. We live in a world that's heavy in encouragement of the creation of physical manifestations of the self.

My conclusion is that we live to be perceived.
And it sucks that I've realized this, because now I'm aware that I have some element of control over the way I'm perceived. And I don't like that. I don't want that. I can't handle it. And I relinquish all efforts to exploit such control.

The idea is, that the less one perceives this perception, the better they can fulfill their role of being.
So here we go. Abandon this knowledge, and we're back to square one.
Live. Be.

So said cognition should be neither respected nor frowned upon. But not disregarded. Gauged.
Be in tune.

I have fun. And that's what the fuck I'm doing with my life.
One foot in every door.