Of all the kinds of love to crave we crave the kind that's wrong

I had a dream last night that I've been trying to have for a really long time.

A lot of the dreams I've been having lately involve a large group of people in an isolated place working together to accomplish something. This was one of those settings. It was a craft show in a window covered building that looked like an office in the outside, but a hotel ballroom on the inside. I don't know if it matters but it was held to benefit a charity. Jackson was not with me. I showed up and was looking around, when out of nowhere 80% of the people involved started doing this awesome choreographed movement. It wasn't quite a dance, but everyone was wearing m&m colored shirts and moving in lines and patterns. It was beautiful and I was moved, but not before too long, I started to get upset that I wasn't a part of it. So I went apeshit. I started knocking over tables and the racks where the stuff was displayed, breaking glass all over the place. The dancing didn't stop. Everyone else was upset at me but I just kept destroying. A few people tried to chase me, but I was too fast and I climbed a tree. In the tree was a housemate of mine from Arrakis, trying to tell me people were mad and I should stop.
So I ran to an elementary school across the street posed as an interviewer, and asked a lady what she thought of what was going on across the street.
She said it wasn't a big deal and she was going to let her kid take the bus home.
The last thing that happened is probably the most literal, and means the most to me in my conscious life. On the way home I ran into my friends Seth* and Amanda* who don't usually hang out togethr, and asked what they were doing. Background, Amanda might be my least favorite person on the planet. It's not that she did anything wrong or that I don't like her, she just reminds me of things I should be able to not have to be reminded of.

But in this dream, I felt nothing toward her. She didn't mean anything to me but exactly who she was, and exactly what she was saying.

Thats when I woke up.

So the first thing I'm gonna admit, yes I have issues with belonging. My life is very tightly wound around a handful of people, with whom I have independent relationships, and when those relationships are taken in a different context sometimes I don't react well. I've never destroyed anything because of it and I don't know what it means that I resorted to destruction. What I do know is that when I saw my housemate I felt a little silly, maybe cause I could have belonged there if I really wanted, but at the time I didn't.

The main reason I chose to write this, is to mention the little thing that happened with Amanda. I can't say that I've experienced an encounter with her, subconscious or not, that left me feeling nothing. I am not certain it will continue to happen in my dreams or transfer over to real life, but I do know that it's possible and it's something I want very much.