I messed up in 2011

I've been knowing it and denying it but now I know how. Once upon a time I was angry at somebody I love and I misplaced it on everyone I didn't. I've been too busy ignoring my feelings and wanting to be right to acknowledge it, but I am now.

This year I'm going to make it right. I have a lot of things in mind for 2012, and the first thing Im gonna do is make it right. I'm gonna write faithfully, meditate routinely, and make music frequently.

I'm going to cleanse my body once a month. Start running and doing yoga. I'm going to get a MFLB so as to go easy on my mistreated lungs.

I'm going to go to Europe. I'm gonna figure out what I have to offer the real world with my career and sharpen those things. I'm gonna be all I can be, but not obsess over it. I'm going to be happy with the things that I have.

And to make things right -- I'm going to let myself be angry, forgive the one I love and treat those who I mistreated with the respect they deserve.

Prosit

This is a count your blessings post

I had the most amazing weekend ever.

I got to b in Kimberlys presence when she sipped her first legal drink. Go to an awesome party at caseys with tons of great people I never met before. Ate a yummy brunch at Cherrywood. Spend sweet time with sweet Jackson. Shopped with my roomies. Hosted a bitchin party. Slept late. Floated the river. Taqueria. Relaxed. Breathed. And didn't feel guilty.

I went to the doctor. And I don't have scabies. Just dyshydrotic eczema and steroid cream.

Busy mind

Today is the very last day of a week long detox diet. It was hard. I miss cheese. And I'm goin to eat some today ... But I did it! I stuck it out! And I'm extremely proud of myself!

Yesterday was very busy. I'm stressing out trying to help plan this party for the weekend and I spend most of the day buying stuff for the house. It was nice
to have my mind extremely busy, though in retrospect I don't know if I've been there for Tracie the way she wants me to. My mind is just very busy and as a result, I'm uptight. But this is what makes me happy and that's what she said to do.

I realized when I hang out with people that aren't trace, I just tall about myself and how I am and how I feel. I need to take time for myself to figure how I feel and channel my emotions and thoughts into a place. That's why this blog was supposed to be hut I hadn't kept up with. Me mental health is just as important as school though, if not more, so there's no more excuse for not making the time to bleed out a little.

I haven't even had the time to be nervous about these parties this weekend but maybe that's a good thing.

I need to go to the doctor and see about my skin if it doesn't clear up.

That's about it.

You know

I was starting to feel better for a little bit when I would write frequently so here I go trying.

Today I read about a 20 year old guy who's dying of a rare blood disorder and doesn't know what it is -- it's sad, but I thought I'd start this post out with that for some perspective.

Amalie, it's not that bad.

But with that, my uncle is in the hospital for detox from high alcohol levels. It's really bad. And it's happened before and nobody knows how to handle it because no one has any faith in him to make a life for himself if he's put out on his ass. He's embarrassed of his situation and doesn't want to ask his immediate family for help because he's failed before.
Everyone in his family is just sick of the drama and cold hearted. But I haven't given up -- I just don't have the means to do anything it seems, but to speak kind words and be here for him. But I can't really unless he reaches out to me.

I don't like the way my body looks and I don't even feel good. I don't have very much energy because it's 100 degrees outside and that doesn't help.

Because my grandparents are no longer coming to austin because of the situation with my uncle, my weekend has freed up and my parents want me to go on vacation with them this weekend and I don't want to because
It's the week before school starts and it was very short notice and I'm not ready to leave for 4 days. I think they're ok with it though -- if there's one thing I have peace of mind about it's this -- but I do miss my family and I wish they were here.

Schools about to start and it's making me nervous like it does ever year - but in a subconscious way. It's almost as if that stress intensifies other stress that I have about other things but otter than that has no effect on me at all.

Im. Tired. Of. Everyone.
And it's fucking up my relationship.

I'm tired of being alone - which is how I spend the first half of every day now, and I wonder if thats shaping me to be more antisocial than I already am.

The good news is schools about to start and therein lies a lot of opportunity to meet some new friends.

In about a week I will be better.
Once I have to get my ass to class, talk to people, forget about everything else and stop entertaining myself with food and trees.

Tschüsi

Set up

I don't even feel alive right now.

I had a bad day today. I was alone or running around for most of it. Super tweaking on caffiene. Did way too much. Hurt my back.

And I fucking can't handle anything right now. Being frustrated. Having people frustrated with me.

Starting to feel

I'm prepared to get very anxious in a couple weeks because school is about to start. But I am also very excited about school, new schedule, new house and new roommates. I'm gonna miss 806 Dean Keeton. I wonder if I'm finally gonna be able to settle down once I have my shit together after I graduate.

Fucking wanderlust! That darn wanderlust!

I feel wanderlust is too often taken advantage of and used as an excuse for immaturity.

I like to move around and inconvenience everybody (so says my parents). Diagnosis, wanderlust.

She likes to open her legs. Diagnosis, wanderlust.

He likes to switch majors and is costing his parents a fortune. You guessed it.

Pride. Selfishness. Wanderlust.

So I have no idea what I'm going to do today. Tracie is in Houston till this weekend. Jackson has an interview and a lot of work to do and made plans with John and his friends are coming into town and all of this stupid. I fear for my life sometimes because it's so intertwined in these people, these things, I don't know where I fall with respect to myself.

I like having my german friends around to keep my feet on the floor. And i know I'm gonna feel better when council starts back up. But goddammit I wish Pia weren't leafing. And I wish Alex wasn't gonna be gone. Really take a huge chunk out of the people I want to hang out with list.

When did I become so antisocial?
Ironically, probably when I stopped hanging out alone.

Mother

Mimi came to Austin this past weekend to see me. JUST to see me. She had nothing on her agenda more than just to spend time with me doing things I like to do.

We went to the farmers market, goodwill shopping, north loop, south congress, tons of food places, domain, Lakeway. All over. She was sweet to Jackson and didn't try telling me that I was wrong for anything. She let me cook her dinner, even though she kicks my ass at cooking.

My own mother wouldn't even do that. If I want to spend time with her it has to be on her terms, in her city, at her mercy. Even 'bonding' time is a matter of control. It just kind of occurred to me after mimi's visit.

Maybe I'm being too hard on her. My mom is tired because she works full time, so it's not as easy to drive up for a weekend. But I don't know how she would know, because she's never done that without Jake or Dad.

Our relationship is based on family, and I don't like that. I respect and appreciate it, but I have no idea who she is other than my mother.

I'm going to call her and explain this. He is going to grt defensive and think I'm saying mimi is better than her or something like that. Manipulation control blah blah blah.

I hope she proves me wrong

In other news, I went on my first yoga ride yesterday. It was exhilarating though after spending a day making eggplant Parmesan , quite tiring.

I wanna do it more
But today, I relax.